When Your Child Melts Down: A guide for parents when big feelings take over

Parenting Series | Part 8 of 8

I wrote this for parents who are still raising children in the home. But even if you do not have children, or your children are grown and living their own lives, there is still something here for you. All of us have relationships where emotions run high, where someone we love becomes overwhelmed, defensive, angry, afraid, or hard to reach. And all of us have moments when our own reaction can either add fuel or sooth. We can all grow in patience, self-command, compassion, and wisdom in the way we respond to the people God has placed in our life.

Every parent eventually meets the version of their child who cannot be reasoned with.

My wife and I met one version of this early in our marriage, back when we had two small children and still believed eating in a restaurant with babies was a normal adult activity. We were trying to order food, trying to find something the kids would eat, trying to behave like people who could still participate in public life. Then the baby decided she was done. Not mildly done. Not “I need a cracker” done. Completely done.

She screamed. She fussed. She had no words, no explanation, no interest in our plans, and no respect for the ambiance. We were still trying to decide what to do. Should one of us take her outside? Should we ask for the food to go? Could we calm her down? Before we could even work through the options, a nearby table complained. I understood why. Nobody goes to a restaurant hoping to listen to a baby come apart. But I also remember feeling the heat rise in me. Give us a minute. We are trying. She is a baby, not a tiny criminal mastermind. We are embarrassed too.

That is one kind of crisis: public, loud, humiliating, and out of your control.

But in our house, with five children, crisis has also had more domestic forms. Four of our five are daughters, and right now the girls range from nine to twenty-two. They share two bedrooms, one bathroom, closets that were not designed by anyone who understood female clothing, and a family ecosystem filled with dresses, shoes, makeup, brushes, hair ties, necklaces, and disputed property rights. Someone grew out of a dress but still considers it emotionally hers. Someone borrowed makeup without asking. Someone is wearing shoes that apparently belong to another sister. Someone took a necklace because, as the reasoning goes, “She took my thing last week.”