Politeness Is Killing Us

Everyone says we need to be “nicer.”

Kinder. Gentler. More tolerant. Less sharp around the edges.

Polls and civic groups keep repeating the same message: if we want less division, we need more “respect” and “civility.” That idea has become official. The government runs civility campaigns, as if public life can be repaired with better manners. Public transit systems echo it too: NJ Transit rolled out “Ride Kind” messaging to cool down rider behavior and restore “basic civility.” Workplaces do the same. SHRM—the Society for Human Resource Management, a leading HR organization that shapes training and workplace standards—publishes a “Workplace Civility Handbook,” framing civility as a core expectation.

But politeness—unmoored from truth and virtue—isn’t kindness. It’s anesthesia.

We’ve confused civility with goodness, and the result is a culture that smiles while it decays.